How does my story sound so far?

Your writing is far too flowery--you excessively use metaphors and similes. Also, at some points when I was reading it, I almost heard William Shatner from his Star Trek days (i.e. there are too many "dramatic" pauses). There. Is no need. To write. Like. This. And your main character sounds too much like a self deprecating Bella Swan. It's okay for your character to have insecurities, but it shouldn't be excessive--then it's just downright irritating. Give your character some spunk! Also, it's too romantic for me (but thats just my opinion, I'm not a big fan of romance-y, cheesy books). But teenyboppers eat that **** up. So whatever. Overall, it needs some work. But keep trying!